Friday, May 8, 2009
Nothing a Diet Mt. Dew Can't Fix
I need to vent. Feel free to just not read this post as it will be depressing and unfiltered...
I feel so lonely! I have tons of people around me (benefit of living in a condo!) and I still feel this way. My best friend is moving and though I know that we will remain friends, it will never be the same. I have always struggled with getting close to people. I have a fear that they will not truly accept me or they will eventually leave so I usually close myself off or just remain "on the surface" with most people. Unfortunately, you can't go throughout life this way and change inevitably happens. I think this is why I had a hard time graduating high school, getting married, moving to/from places, and change in general. I'm sure no one likes change and everyone feels lonely at times. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I should reach out to people and help them to feel loved.
It's my moms birthday today. She is amazing. I remember when she was diagnosed with breast cancer the first time. I felt such amazing regret. I felt regret for not being there for her as much as I should have been, not telling her every single day what an amazing person she is and how much I love her, and taking her for granted so many times. After that experience, I truly did have a change of heart. I want my family and friends to know how much they mean to me. I try to tell them often but of course, I don't tell them enough. I am so blessed. My moms hugs are so comforting...I want one right now:) Every time I have a bad day and I tell her about it, I swear she has some magical powers, because I instantly feel better. She has had a tough life and I have yet to hear her feel sorry for herself. She turns 64 today! She is truly the epitome of strength and love. I love her.
I watched "Marley and Me" the other day and bawled like a baby. I cried like I had just lost Bruno all over again. All I could do was cry. I managed to choke out the words, "I never told Bruno he was a good dog." Mike claims I did but I have no recollection of this. If I ever have another dog, he will KNOW he is a good dog.
I hope at the age of 64 (hopefully sooner) I will learn to love myself, accept change, embrace change, live life to the fullest, leave no regrets, leave no one unknowing of my love for them!