Friday, May 8, 2009

Nothing a Diet Mt. Dew Can't Fix


I need to vent. Feel free to just not read this post as it will be depressing and unfiltered...
I feel so lonely! I have tons of people around me (benefit of living in a condo!) and I still feel this way. My best friend is moving and though I know that we will remain friends, it will never be the same. I have always struggled with getting close to people. I have a fear that they will not truly accept me or they will eventually leave so I usually close myself off or just remain "on the surface" with most people. Unfortunately, you can't go throughout life this way and change inevitably happens. I think this is why I had a hard time graduating high school, getting married, moving to/from places, and change in general. I'm sure no one likes change and everyone feels lonely at times. Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I should reach out to people and help them to feel loved.

It's my moms birthday today. She is amazing. I remember when she was diagnosed with breast cancer the first time. I felt such amazing regret. I felt regret for not being there for her as much as I should have been, not telling her every single day what an amazing person she is and how much I love her, and taking her for granted so many times. After that experience, I truly did have a change of heart. I want my family and friends to know how much they mean to me. I try to tell them often but of course, I don't tell them enough. I am so blessed. My moms hugs are so comforting...I want one right now:) Every time I have a bad day and I tell her about it, I swear she has some magical powers, because I instantly feel better. She has had a tough life and I have yet to hear her feel sorry for herself. She turns 64 today! She is truly the epitome of strength and love. I love her.

I watched "Marley and Me" the other day and bawled like a baby. I cried like I had just lost Bruno all over again. All I could do was cry. I managed to choke out the words, "I never told Bruno he was a good dog." Mike claims I did but I have no recollection of this. If I ever have another dog, he will KNOW he is a good dog.

I hope at the age of 64 (hopefully sooner) I will learn to love myself, accept change, embrace change, live life to the fullest, leave no regrets, leave no one unknowing of my love for them!



Good night:)

13 comments:

Jessie Mae said...

I totally know how you feel! I am much the same way... I have been missing my mom so much. I hate not having friends and people to talk to. I have such a hard time getting to know new people...

I love you! I hope things get better soon!

Erin said...

Man Lori! Talk about a cry fest as I was reading your blog. Seriously I can't see the key board anymore. I only have one question, Have you been reading my journal? I too have the hardest time letting people in. I don't think I ever really got over moving and leaving all of my childhood friends when I was 16. If you are ever feeling lonely please know that you are always welcome to come over anytime! I know it's hard losing your bestfriend but if you ever need a shoulder to lean on I'm here for you! I hope you know that!

Amber said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Adam and Cassie said...

I think everyone feels that way. I'm sorry your lonely, I am totally with you on that one. I noticed that when people get married it's really hard to make new friends. I don't know why that it but it totally sucks. I would love to know you better, don't be afraid to share. There's really nothing you could do for me to judge you poorly. and I agree about the Diet Mountain Dew fixing the world.

What the Hecklinger?! said...

Good reminder to let those around us know how much we appreciate them--and to open our hearts to appreciate more people too! I am not very good at that either--I usually just have one best friend and then mostly acquaintances. I wish you would come down here to vent sometime! Please do--even if it is just part of borrowing an egg... :)

Kiley said...

This sounds odd, but . . . thanks for that post. I've felt like I needed to vent too, but somehow I felt like I was venting right along with you. I feel the same way. So, thanks. And good luck finding some good friends. We like you a whole lot (not even lying one little bit), if that makes any difference. If we lived closer, I wouldn't be able to stay away from you - we'd have a ton of fun. So, good luck. Chin up.

Britny Hill said...

You are not alone in feeling that way! I am nearly exactly the same way! And for some reason it was worse when I lived in the condos, even though I loved it! I hope things look up for you! You are an amazing wife, mother, and neighbor!!

sachiko and mark said...

You're one of the most tender people I know. I love you, Lori. You're such a sweet and dear friend :)

Clark and Alicia said...

WOW, I got all emotional reading this post! I often feel the exact same way!
Just know how much people really DO love you for Y-O-U! You are so amazing Lori, seriously!!!!

p.s. I totally balled watching marley and me the other day too...I forced my poor dog to cuddle with me!

Anna said...

I LOVE YOU LORI!! I have only known you for as long as you and Mike have been married, but I've always thought you are awesome. I knew it from the very moment I saw all the photos you sent to put in your wedding video! :) I could tell Mike had found someone special, just from those photos. And then when I finally got the chance to meet you, I felt like I already knew you!

Sorry you had a bum day. Hopefully you're feeling better now (a few days later). I felt the same when we moved away from our condo and into the apt we're in now. Listen to some fun music and dance around your living room like you're 12 again. That should put a smile on your face!

Stephanie said...

Lori! I am so sorry you are having a rough time. I love you!

The GAG nears said...

in a few words you have summed up a lot of my feelings as of late. I feel with so many of my good friends leaving that I am missing something or getting left behind, but at the same time I HATE change. I cried on my graduation day and wedding day. I just hate things to change and when people move my life is changing even though I didn't do anything and I HATE it. I am crying now thinking of Lori Sanderson moving. I am going to miss her. We need to be best friends now that our best friends are moving. How bout it? You are never alone. Just remember that.

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